


I Want It All

by CastieI



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Coda, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Heaven, Hurt Dean Winchester, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Season/Series 15, Season/Series 15 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27781519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastieI/pseuds/CastieI
Summary: Dean has done a lot of driving in his lifetime, but never like this; aimlessly, without a destination in mind, without a purpose. It feels freeing… at first. Baby’s gentle rumble, the wind in his hair.Time passes, and the panic sets in.--Post-finale fix-it. Because Dean deserves his happy ending.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 18
Kudos: 161
Collections: SPN Finale "Destiel is CANON" Collection





	I Want It All

Dean has done a lot of driving in his lifetime, but never like this; aimlessly, without a destination in mind, without a purpose. It feels freeing… at first. Baby’s gentle rumble, the wind in his hair. 

Time passes, and the panic sets in. 

He’s dead, for good this time. He’s faced God, the Darkness, Lucifer, the Leviathans, all manner of demons, and here he is, dead from a piece of freaking rebar in the back. He let his guard down. He let his brother down. He let his dog down. 

Most of all, he let Cas down; Cas who sacrificed himself just a few weeks ago to let Dean live, only for Dean to die like an amateur. Sure, Cas is back now, according to Bobby, and ain’t that a relief— but what must he think of Dean right now, here in this moment, dead with barely two months under his belt to exercise that free will he fought so hard for. What a joke. All this time, Dean thought the cosmic joke of his life was all God’s doing, but now the truth is clear. It’s just him, it’s just Dean. Even with free will, he can’t get it right. 

The Impala slows to a stop. Dean flushes, all the way to his ears, the shame spreading through him like blood in water. He screws his eyes shut, drops his forehead against the steering wheel. 

“Cas,” he whispers desperately, blinking back tears. “You got your ears on?” 

He listens for the flap of wings, the familiar rustle of a trench coat on the leather seats, waits for the grounding, steady presence by his side. But all he hears are his own heaving breaths, all he feels is the suffocating empty space around him. 

Once the tears start falling, it feels like they won’t stop. 

\- - - 

After Cas died and Jack absorbed God’s powers, after the world slowed down to a manageable day-by-day crawl, Dean tried to embrace his newfound peace. It helped to have Miracle with him, the unexpected canine friend he’d found in that gas station and instantly felt a connection towards. After what Dean had been through, Miracle was his emotional support dog, really, though he never told Sam that. It was thanks to his soft, furry companion that in the quiet moments, he was able to close his eyes, breathe into his dog’s fur, and not break down on the spot with the weight of what had just happened. 

Not the whole God thing. The other thing. _The_ thing. The culmination of years of quiet yearning, of the delicate dance between friendship and courtship, the unspoken intensity of longing that lingered thick in the air, the “profound bond,” as Cas had once called it. 

“I love you,” he’d said in that moment, beautiful and devastating. There was no ambiguity to his words. There was no explaining it away with a collective “you,” or as a brotherly affection, as Dean had a tendency to do. Cas _loved_ him. No one had ever _loved_ him like that before. Maybe no one ever would. 

Miracle was there, in the moments that his mind started spinning and the tears would prick at the corners of his eyes. He’d burrow his head into his warm fur, feel his steady heartbeat against his palms, and let the moments pass. The world was saved. He was saved. _(Cas wasn’t.)_

He’d put the grief away, to be addressed at a later date, far into the distant future, when he had some time alone, not a soul in sight to watch him break down. 

On a long road in Heaven, with only his car for company, the grief hits Dean like a tsunami. 

\- - - 

“I’m sorry, Cas,” he says in the silence of his car. “I don’t know if you’re listening but please, _please_ come back to me. I can’t be happy without you. I can’t… I can’t do this Heaven thing without you.” 

He waits, and waits, for a sign, for a presence. For a whisper in his ear, for a familiar gold Continental to drive towards him, for a message written in the clear blue sky, just… something, anything to show him Cas is here. 

Suddenly, there’s a scratching sound at his door. 

He opens the car door and there he is. _Miracle_. His sweet, happy dog jumps into the car and smothers his face with kisses, fills the air with joyful whimpers. Dean, heart pounding in his chest, lets out a sob into his fur, breathes in the dog’s comforting scent. 

“Heya, Miracle,” he says, “Man, am I glad to have you here. You have the best timing.” 

Miracle opens his mouth into a goofy smile, tongue lolling to the side. His eyes are filled with open adoration, and just like that, Dean feels a little less hopeless. 

“Missed you, buddy. Sorry you had to kick it too to get here.” 

Miracle closes his mouth and tilts his head to the side, in a way that reminds him of Cas. His tail, wagging furiously, thwaps against Baby’s dashboard. Miracle lets out a grumble, as if to say, “Don’t be ridiculous.” Dean can’t help but crack a smile, patting Miracle lovingly on the head and then nudging him towards the passenger seat. 

Getting ready to drive again, Dean looks up at the road ahead, and his heart drops. In the distance, he sees a flash of tan cloth and dark hair, disappearing into the trees on the side of the road. 

“Cas,” his voice breaks. He scrambles out of the car and runs towards him. “Cas,” he yells, “Cas, stop.” 

By the time he reaches the spot where he saw Cas, the angel is gone. Dejected, Dean braces himself against a tree. “Fuck. _Fuck!_ ” Miracle, having followed him, sniffs at the grass where Cas had been standing, and looks up at Dean as if with a shrug. Dean swipes at the tears drying on his cheeks, walking back towards the Impala. He and Miracle get back inside the comfort of its doors. 

Dean steels himself, starts the car again, and carries on. 

\- - - 

After driving for a little longer, with Miracle hanging his head out of the window and enjoying the breeze, Dean thinks he’d like to find his new home. Suddenly, in his line of sight, there’s a side road onto which he turns, and finds a welcoming cabin-style house that he instantly knows is his. It’s not a place he recognizes from his life on Earth, but something about it just calls to him, promises him comfort and safety. 

He parks Baby in the driveway, and unlocks the house’s front door with the key he finds in his pocket. Miracle trots inside happily, and Dean follows. 

The house is new, and yet familiar; it reminds him of places he’s loved in his life. The house in Lawrence, Bobby’s house, Rufus’ cabin, the bunker. The house has a cozy living room, with a La-Z-Boy recliner that Dean loves immediately, plus a plush sectional, a large screen TV, and a record player, with vinyl records lining the shelves. He catches a glimpse of Zeppelin I-IV. _Awesome._

The bedroom is spacious, and has the few treasured possessions that Dean kept in his room in the bunker; family photos, his favorite weapons, as well as a bed for Miracle. He checks his own bed in the middle of the room and grins. It’s memory foam. 

His stomach grumbles, and suddenly he’s craving a burger. And a craft beer, _not_ the watered down shit that Bobby gave him. And _pie_ , cherry pie. He walks towards the kitchen hoping to scrounge up something respectable, and grins upon entry. On the kitchen counter lies a burger from his favorite burger shack in Delaware, a six-pack of ice cold bottled IPAs, and a full, freshly baked cherry pie. 

He could get used to this. 

He eats until he’s stuffed, and feels none of the usual discomfort that accompanies indulging in his favorite foods at his age. He feels satiated, relaxed. Miracle eats his own meal on the floor next to him, likely summoned up based on his own desires. To Dean’s delight, Miracle appears to be enjoying a healthy serving of T-bone steak. 

After finishing off his beer, Dean heads back towards the bedroom. He yawns, and suddenly he’s in a threadbare shirt and boxers, teeth cleaned. He grins. Jack and Cas really did make this place a paradise. 

He gets into bed, Miracle joining him under the covers. He looks at the walls, at the shifting shadows created by the moonlight and the trees lining his windows. He wonders if Cas is watching from these trees too, hiding, just out of sight. 

“Cas, where are you? I need you, man.” 

He falls asleep, yearning for the angel’s company. For once, sleep comes easy, peaceful. 

During the night, he feels Miracle shift by his side to sit up in bed. He puts his arm around the dog and pulls him back into a sleeping position. Miracle releases a soft whine in complaint, so Dean kisses his nose. “Go back to sleep, you silly dog.” He burrows his face into Miracle’s fur and lets sleep take him again. 

\- - - 

The next day, he’s back at The Roadhouse, and the second he opens the door he hears a shriek followed by several cheers. 

“About fucking time you showed up!” says Jo Harvelle, giving him a friendly punch in the arm before pulling him in for a hug. He kisses the top of her head, and grins at Ellen, who is standing a few feet away, her eyes twinkling. 

“Welcome to the other side, Dean,” says Ellen warmly. “Everyone’s chattering up here about your arrival.” 

Dean’s cheeks flush. “Oh yeah, any chance the details of my demise are under wraps?” 

Jo laughs. “Stabbed in the back by a wooden pillar, old man? What a way to go.” 

Bobby steps forward and claps a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “He went down swingin’, like he always said he would. Ain’t no shame in that.” 

Pamela Barnes comes out of the back room, eyes bright, sight restored. “Dean Winchester, you up here to cause trouble?” 

“Only the good kind,” Dean assures her with a wink. 

Pamela laughs, and Ellen hands him a beer. “I heard Bobby gave you the piss kind yesterday,” says Ellen, “Hope this is a little more to your tastes.” 

Dean chuckles. “Thanks Ellen. Man, is it good to be back in this place. Looks just like I remember. Where’s Ash?” 

“Working on some crazy tech with his new bestie,” says Jo. “Your friend Charlie. They said they’d be by later.” 

“Woah,” says Dean, grinning in delight. “You know, that friendship makes a whole lot of sense.” 

“Oh, and son,” says Bobby. “Your mom and dad are swinging by later too, they wanted to give you some space. And frankly, those two lovebirds are always wrapped up in each other, catchin’ up on lost time. It’s sickening, so prepare yourself.” 

“I never thought I’d see that again,” says Dean reverently. “Mom and Dad, happy together. Wow.” 

“For what it’s worth, kid, I’d strongly suggest knockin’ if you ever pay them a visit.” 

Dean’s eyes widen, and Bobby and Ellen burst into laughter. 

“Yeah, let’s not ever talk about that again,” says Dean, settling in on a bar stool. Surrounded by family, he feels alive again. 

\- - - 

As the afternoon sun wanes, he finds himself out on the patio with Bobby again. The joy he’s felt all day, from reuniting with all of the people who left him too soon, starts to fade, replaced by something sadder, darker. 

“Boy,” says Bobby fondly. “With that sour look on your face, you’d never guess you were in Paradise, with your family and friends always a stone’s throw away, that scruffy dog of yours by your side. What’s on your mind?” 

Dean takes a gulp of beer, looks down at his feet. “You know who’s missing, Bobby.” 

“Sam?” says Bobby softly. “… Or Cas?” His eyes are knowing, kind. 

Dean’s face crumples. “I just… I don’t know why he isn’t here. I thought he was dead, Bobby. Like, gone-forever, there’s-no-coming-back-from-this, eternal-freaking-torment dead. He died for _me_ , Bobby. He died _because_ of me. I don’t understand why.” 

“Dean, there ain’t been a minute I’ve known him since we put Lucifer in the cage, that he wouldn’t have died for you. I don’t know what’s keeping him from flapping those wings of his down here, but you better believe that he’d be here if he could.” 

“Have you seen him, Bobby? Is he— is he happy?” 

“We caught up for a minute, few days ago. He looked good, wearing his usual holy accountant get-up. He seemed content, filled with purpose. But happy? Happy ain’t the word I’d use, son. I don’t think that angel could ever be happy without you.” 

Dean stays quiet, cheeks heating. He takes a shuddering breath. “Bobby, did you ever… did you ever think, me and Cas… could be something else?” 

“I may be old, boy, but I’m not blind.” 

“He told me, Bobby. Right before he died, he told me. That he… that he loved me. That he knew he could never be with me, but that he loved me.” 

“And what did you say to that?” 

“Nothing. It all happened so quickly. I didn’t even have time to process. He was just… gone.” 

Bobby gives Dean a pointed look. “And tell me Dean, if you’da been in his shoes, and told him how you felt and not heard a damn word back, would you be going out of your way to be around him?” 

Dean’s eyes widen. “He doesn’t know,” whispers Dean, struck by the realization. “He’s avoiding me.” 

“Now ain’t it convenient that he’s just a prayer away, for you to clear this all up and get that happy ending.” 

Dean shoots out of his seat with a sense of urgency. “I’ve gotta go, Bobby. I— Thank you. Tell everyone I’ll be back tomorrow.” 

“You got it, son. Good luck. Don’t be an idjit.” 

\- - - 

Back in his bedroom, Dean drops to his knees at the side of his bed, something he hasn’t done in years. He’s reminded of all the times he’s prayed like this to Cas, in desperation, shame, anger, grief, fear, frustration. Did he ever pray out of gratitude, or love? If Cas is hiding away after his confession, like Bobby suggested, then his usual tone isn’t going to cut it. He swipes a nervous hand through his hair, and takes a deep breath. 

“Cas,” he says into the silence of the room. “I know you’re out there. I know you can hear me. And I have to tell you something that’s been a long time coming. 

“What you said to me, Cas, right before the Empty took you? It destroyed me, man, but not for the reasons you might think. It destroyed me that I just _stood_ there, like a freaking muppet, and couldn’t say it back. Couldn’t tell you that I love you too. Any other day, if you’d come to me and said that, I’d be reeling, man. Happy. 

“Your love makes me happy, Cas. It keeps me safe, and protected, in my darkest moments. I want to believe you knew how important you’ve always been to me, from the very beginning. But I— I never let on to what I truly felt because I was scared, man. I’m still scared shitless. I keep— I keep thinking, maybe he didn’t mean it that way. Maybe he— maybe he doesn’t know how it came across. But I’m trying to be brave here, Cas. 

“I never thought you would ever see me as… a romantic partner, someone to grow old with, or whatever. And I never let myself imagine you could one day, because… we were always fighting something, we were always in the thick of it, trying to gank the next big bad and save the world. Everything I did, I did it for the world, or for Sammy, or for you. I don’t… I don’t know what it’s like to do something for me. I didn’t think I deserved it. I know you’d disagree, but a happy ending? For Dean freaking Winchester? No way in hell.” 

Dean takes a deep breath, tears flooding his eyes and spilling onto his cheeks. 

“What happened that day, when you— when you died? I felt shock, and dread, and heartbreak, and this dark deep sadness like my world had ended. I felt regret, like I should have said it. Why didn’t I say it? I know you’re out of the Empty now, but if you were still in it, suffering for eternity? I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself. 

“I love you, Cas. Not just as a friend, or a brother, or a nerdy angel. I’m— I’m _in_ love with you. The kind of love that lights every one of your cells on fire. The kind of love that just… simmers right below the surface. The kind of love I’ve never spoken to anyone else, ever. 

“Just… _please_ , Cas. You and me, we deserve happiness. You taught me that. I want to be with you. I want to spend all my days in heaven with you. I want to hold you, and… and kiss you, if you’d want that. I want you to meet my dog, and come play house with me, and be a part of that apple pie life I never thought I’d have. 

“Come back to me, Cas. Please, come back to me.” 

He stays like that, kneeling at his bedside, repeating those words over and over. “Come back to me. Come back to me.” After some time, he finds himself settling into his bed, Miracle curled up by his side. “Come back to me,” he thinks as his eyes fall shut. “Please, come back to me.” 

\- - - 

He wakes up in the dark of night, disoriented. Miracle is already awake and alert, sitting upright by his side again and staring at the corner of the room. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Dean follows the dog’s gaze and startles at the figure he sees in the shadows. Hope bursts like fireworks in his chest. 

“Cas?” he whispers. 

Cas steps out of the dark corner of the room, into the moonlight. He looks slightly ashamed, like he’s been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. Has he been watching Dean sleep all this time? 

“Hello, Dean.” There it is, two words that send Dean’s heart soaring, today more than ever. 

“Cas,” says Dean softly, reverently. “Tell me I’m not dreaming, Cas. Tell me it’s really you.” 

“It’s me, Dean,” says Cas, smiling shyly. “I… I heard your prayer.” 

Dean lets out a strangled whine and stands abruptly. He pulls Cas into a fierce hug, burying his face into Cas’ hair. Cas returns his embrace, body relaxing against him. Slotted together with him like puzzle pieces, Dean feels whole again. 

“I’m so sorry I never told you,” says Dean. “I love you, Cas. I love you.” 

“I know,” says Cas, smiling into the crook of his neck. 

Dean pulls back with a teary laugh. “You pulling a Han Solo on me, Cas?” 

Cas cradles his face, thumbing at his smile lines. “I was hoping you’d catch that.” 

Dean drops his forehead against Cas’, and closes his eyes. “I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you right now, Cas.” 

Cas’ nose bumps against his, their breath mingling, and all at once Dean _wants_. He brushes his lips against Cas’ mouth, and Cas groans, pulling him in for a kiss with the desperation of a man dying of thirst. Cas’ tongue sweeps against his lips and Dean gasps, letting him in. His hands move down from Cas’ hair to his neck to his shoulders. He fists at the fabric of Cas’ trenchcoat, tugging at it until Cas breaks the kiss to shrug his coat and blazer off before resuming. 

Cas’s hands slip under his t-shirt onto his back, and Dean feels fiery hot at every point of contact. Their mouths part again while Dean pulls his t-shirt off over his head. Cas trails kisses from his lips to his chin and neck, while his hands map the expanse of Dean’s newly revealed skin. Dean sighs, blissful, content. 

“I didn’t know if you’d want this,” Dean whimpers as Cas sucks a bruise into his chest. “I didn’t know if you— if you wanted me like this.” 

Cas lifts his head up, hands moving to hold Dean’s face gently. “I want it all, Dean,” says Cas, eyes piercing, voice gravelly. “All of it and more. I want _everything_ with you.” 

“You have all of me,” breathes Dean, and seals his promise with a kiss. 

\- - - 

After trading heated kisses for what feels like hours, they lie in bed facing each other, Cas’ hand firmly on Dean’s left shoulder where his handprint once was. 

Cas’ kisses grow slower, more chaste. Dean smiles into every one. 

Cas drops a last kiss on Dean’s forehead, and looks into his eyes, searching. “How are you, Dean?” says Cas. “I realized I haven’t asked you, how you’re doing in this… transition.” 

“I was lost, at first,” says Dean, with a self-deprecating smile. “I miss Sam, of course I do. But having you here, in this heaven, with all of my loved ones from the past… it’s everything I didn’t know I wanted.” 

Cas hums. “Jack and I, we did this— all of this— for you. And Sam too, but on my part, it was mostly for you.” 

Dean huffs, embarrassed. “Aw shucks Cas, you know how to make a girl feel special.” 

Cas smiles at him, eyes adoring. They fall into a momentary silence, breaths evening out in time with each other. On the floor in his own bed, Miracle snuffles in his sleep, and Cas chuckles. 

“So, what happened?” Dean says softly. “How did you get out of the Empty?” 

“I never expected to,” says Cas. “I lay there for days until Jack came to me. He had negotiated with the Empty, revealed himself as the new God, and professed that with my help, he could restore the balance of the realms, and make the Empty quiet again.” 

“Wow,” breathes Dean, “just like that?” 

Cas smiles, fond. “Jack is… a natural, in this new role. He has this innate goodness inside of him, and the Empty, grumpy as it is, could see that. Jack was able to pull me out, but also other angels of my choosing. Gabriel, Anna, Balthazar, Hannah, and… Gadreel.” 

“Gadreel?” Dean mouths, frowning slightly. “That’s a surprise.” 

“Gadreel was good, in the end,” says Cas. “He sacrificed himself for me, for us. In this new heaven, where goodness reigns, I know he will do well.” 

“You must be happy, to have your old friends back.” 

“I am,” says Cas. “I’m especially glad to have Gabriel back, with his experience and history as an archangel. Jack needed more archangels, so he… he made me one. Anna, too.” 

“Woah, so I’m gonna be schtupping an archangel? Awesome.” Cas’ eyes flare angelic blue, mouth smirking, and Dean shivers. He’ll have to revisit that development later. 

“What else happened?” asks Dean. 

“Well, Jack rebuilt and renovated the major realms in seven days. Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, the Empty. He made changes on Earth too, protections for the humans and animals there. He slowed down global warming, and saved some species from extinction.” 

“Damn,” whispers Dean, awed. “What a kid.” 

“He’s incredible,” agrees Cas. “He’s even been answering prayers, personally. He hasn’t revealed himself to anyone who didn’t know him, before, but he heard a little girl praying for her mother’s cancer to go away, so he healed her, and then just… kept listening for others.” 

Dean swallows. “Has he— has he heard from Sam?” 

“Of course. Your brother prayed tirelessly when you passed, and Jack went to him. Sam knows you’re here, in heaven, safe with your friends and family. He knows I’m back too. He accepted your death a little easier, knowing Jack and I were looking out for you.” 

Dean’s eyes gleam with tears. “I hope he moves on, finds happiness without me.” 

“He will, though I suspect he has already.” says Cas, squeezing at his shoulder reassuringly. “He’s been living with Eileen, and a new dog after Miracle passed. He stopped hunting a few months after you left. I think he knew that you wouldn’t want his life to end like yours had, hunting.” 

Dean’s tears spill over, eyes shining with relief, and Cas drops kisses on his face, stopping the tears in their tracks. Dean shifts till their mouths meet again, slow and languid. 

“I’ve never been this happy, Cas. My chest feels like it’s going to burst. Who ever thought I’d have a happy ending, after everything?” 

“I knew,” says Cas. “I knew I’d move mountains to get you that. But this isn’t an ending; we have lifetimes ahead, my love.” 

Months later — in heaven time — Dean parks the Impala on a bridge, and gazes out at the river flowing below, free and easy. Cas stands at his side. They sense a familiar presence behind them, and exchange a tender smile. 

“Heya, Sammy,” says Dean. “Welcome home.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I never write fanfiction, but I just had to tie up those loose ends with my own head canon. When I watched 15x20, I thought there was an implied passage of time between Dean getting into the car and reuniting with Sam. It just... doesn't make sense that decades would pass in the duration of a car ride, while Bobby had clearly been waiting a long while for Dean. I only watched the finale once, so I might not have some of the details correct, but I hope this ending brings you comfort like it did me in writing it. <3


End file.
